Microsoft’s “Fuck You” to Consumers – An Obscene Reading of an Obscene Proposal

Whenever a new gaming system is announced, gamers immediately have more questions than the developers are willing to answer. How many games will be coming out at launch? What are the technical specs of the system? Will it be backwards compatible? How much will it cost? And so on and so forth.

But with this upcoming generation gamers have been forced to ask a question that they never thought they’d have to.

Will I have the right to play the game that I bought?

Last month, Microsoft announced its new gaming system, the horribly named Xbox One. In the wake of that announcement, various heads at the company made conflicting statements about the system’s used games policy. Some said used games will remain the same, while others said that gamers wouldn’t be able to trade-in their disc-based games without paying some sort of processing fee. It was a mess.

So last week, Microsoft finally caved to pressure, and issued a statement explaining how the Xbox One will (and won’t) work with used games.

And it’s a bunch of motherfucking bullshit.

I’m sorry, was that harsh? Was that vulgar?

Perhaps, but it’s just as harsh and vulgar as what Microsoft is proposing with their new system; one of the most blatant and obscene abuses of consumer rights that the gaming industry has ever known.

But you might not know that by reading the official statement, because while Microsoft is committed to destroying your rights as a consumer, they really don’t want you to think so. To that end, they’ve disguised every piece of their horrendous rights-removing policy with some of the most egregious examples of corporate doublespeak that I’ve ever seen. It’s really remarkable. And by remarkable, I mean absolutely horrifying. Because some people are actually buying into it as “not that bad.”

So, in case you are one of those people, please take this chance to re-read some choice sections from Microsoft’s official statement, along with my interpretations of what I think they’re actually saying, the vulgar truth on how Microsoft feels about you, the consumer.

Two weeks ago we introduced Xbox One, the all-in-one games and entertainment device. Designed for today and the decade ahead, Xbox One puts you at the center of all of your games, TV, movies, music, sports and more. We also shared how Xbox One is built to amplify a new generation of Xbox Live that’s more powerful, personal and intelligent.

And today, we would like to share more information about our vision for Xbox One as a modern, connected device; our games licensing policies; and our privacy principles for the new Kinect sensor.

Two weeks ago we announced our new system. While we hoped that flashy videos of football games and dogs in Call Of Duty would serve to distract you fucking idiots into ignoring just how we plan on fucking you over, it didn’t fucking work. So here are all the details on how we will precisely be fucking you over. But you might want to take some notes asshole, and maybe make a chart too, because we’re purposely making our bullshit as vague and confusing as possible, the less you actually figure out how much we fucking hate you, the better. For us anyways.

With our modern architecture, Xbox One games will load more quickly, will be always accessible from the cloud, and there is no physical limit to the size or scope of the content provided.

Games are going to load so fucking fast. How fucking fast? So fucking fast that we hope you’ll be playing them before you realized just how much we fucked your stupid ass over.

Buy the way you want—disc or digital—on the same day: You’ll be able to buy disc-based games at traditional retailers or online through Xbox Live, on day of release. Discs will continue to be a great way to install your games quickly.

Listen you little shit: We want you to buy all of your games digitally. Why? Fucking guess, dickhead; because you can’t trade or sell those! That means less used games for other people to buy!

But hey, want to be an asshole? Fine, buy your games on disc: LIKE AN ASSHOLE. After the game installs you can go ahead and throw that motherfucker away, because that shit will be fucking useless to you, and probably to everyone else too. No, it’s not a fucking design flaw, we designed it that way. It’s a purposeful move to remove your rights and give them to us and our developers.

We don’t fucking care about your rights, you figure that out yet?

Dont’ worry, you will.

Access your entire games library from any Xbox One—no discs required: After signing in and installing, you can play any of your games from any Xbox One because a digital copy of your game is stored on your console and in the cloud. So, for example, while you are logged in at your friend’s house, you can play your games.

Yeah, we know you can already do this with 90% of your games for the Xbox 360,  because they’re on fucking discs (we fucking hate those things, you know that?). But hey, we’re not fucking idiots (not like you, you fucking idiot), so we’re not going to mention that here.

We’re also not going to mention that not everyone has a reliable Internet connection (Seriously? Fuck those assholes. What are they, poor?) or mention that for even those who do, downloading a 20+ GB game is no fucking joke and will take fucking hours. Because we are lying to you and trying to convince you that “cloud gaming” (how’s that buzzword for you fucking idiots?) is the way to go, when it really offers you next to no real benefits.

Share access to your games with everyone inside your home: Your friends and family, your guests and acquaintances get unlimited access to all of your games. Anyone can play your games on your console–regardless of whether you are logged in or their relationship to you.

That’s right, we’re trying to sell you “people can play your games on your system” as a revolutionary fucking feature. We really think that little of you. We’re also hoping you’re too stupid to fucking notice that this means your friends can’t borrow your game and play it at their house if you’re not there. Because fuck that. We want to make it as hard as fucking possible for your shitheads to share your games.

What’s that? You want to share your games? You fucking communist!

Give your family access to your entire games library anytime, anywhere: Xbox One will enable new forms of access for families. Up to ten members of your family can log in and play from your shared games library on any Xbox One. Just like today, a family member can play your copy of Forza Motorsport at a friend’s house. Only now, they will see not just Forza, but all of your shared games. You can always play your games, and any one of your family members can be playing from your shared library at a given time.

By “anytime, anywhere” we mean “any system that your account is logged into.” See how we front loaded this bullshit with the “ten members” part while burying the part where we say that only two people on any account can be playing at the same time?

Fuckers missed that on the first read through I bet.

Check that shit again! We didn’t say “anyone!” We said “any ONE,” as in, “you and only one other person can play your games at any time.” So if you were hoping on setting up a family account with your friends so you could share games, we got that shit covered. No fucking way. Not going to happen.

Trade-in and resell your disc-based games: Today, some gamers choose to sell their old disc-based games back for cash and credit. We designed Xbox One so game publishers can enable you to trade in your games at participating retailers. Microsoft does not charge a platform fee to retailers, publishers, or consumers for enabling transfer of these games.

We hate assholes who buy games on discs, but you know who we fucking hate even more? Assholes who sell used games on discs! Seriously, fuck those people!

To stop that horseshit, we’re going to make it as hard as possible for them to do that, but we’re fucking clever, so in actuality we’re going to pass the buck on to the fucking developers on this one. We’ll let them choose how much they’ll fuck you over. So hey, some game publishers might let you buy and sell their games right away with no hassles at all. Others might require a fee (remember assholes, we said WE’RE not charging a fee, we didn’t say jack about companies), and others might just say “fuck you, once you buy it you got it for life.” Even better, they can change this on the fly! So at any moment they might decide a game is impossible to fucking re-sell, effectively eliminating those fucking used games for good!

Is all that too ambiguous and confusing for you, you stupid shit? Oh gee, that’s too fucking bad.

Give your games to friends: Xbox One is designed so game publishers can enable you to give your disc-based games to your friends. There are no fees charged as part of these transfers. There are two requirements: you can only give them to people who have been on your friends list for at least 30 days and each game can only be given once.

That’s right assholes! Give games to your friends. But you’re only giving them once. That means no trading back and forth and no fucking “sharing,” that’s for fucking sure.

What are you, fucking poor? Buy your own shit.

And in case you were wondering, that “30 day” bullshit? We set that up so you can’t just sell your games to anyone on eBay. Think about it motherfucker. This whole system makes it impossible for you to sell your games on your own, directly to another person. You don’t want to get Gamestop or another business involved? What the fuck? Do you hate capitalism? I fucking knew you were a commie.

In our role as a game publisher, Microsoft Studios will enable you to give your games to friends or trade in your Xbox One games at participating retailers. Third party publishers may opt in or out of supporting game resale and may set up business terms or transfer fees with retailers. Microsoft does not receive any compensation as part of this. In addition, third party publishers can enable you to give games to friends. Loaning or renting games won’t be available at launch, but we are exploring the possibilities with our partners.

Okay, if you actually have figured out that we’re fucking you over (and holy shit we are so fucking you over, it’s like woah) then hey, don’t blame us! Blame those third party publishers! They’re the real bad guys! They’re making us do this! Mad at them now? Good! Because they’re the ones you’ll have to blame when you find out you can’t lend games to a friend or even rent a game. Yeah, that’s right, it’s their fault. I mean, we set up the system to make this bullshit fucking possible, but whatever, it’s all their fault.

And we ain’t exploring shit. Just to be clear. Fuck you.

As we move into this new generation of games and entertainment, from time to time, Microsoft may change its policies, terms, products and services to reflect modifications and improvements to our services, feedback from customers and our business partners or changes in our business priorities and business models or for other reasons. We may also cease to offer certain services or products for similar reasons.

As fucked up and evil as this shit is now, we can make it even more fucked up and evil at the flick of a fucking switch. Literally. No, for real, we have a switch that just says “fuck you.” We flick that and all of your games don’t work. It’s awesome!

In the months ahead, we will continue to listen to your feedback as we meet with our partners in the ecosystem to bring additional detail about our policies.

By “listen to your feedback” we meant “we print out your emails and ship them out to our Chinese factories for use as toilet paper.” Fuck you.

We are excited about this new generation of games and entertainment and look forward to sharing more news with our fans.

Fuck you.