MTV’s Top 100 of 1985, a look back (Part 3)

As we head into the 70s of the countdown, we hit a crossroads of artists new and old. Half of these tracks are by artists who were well into their second, or in some cases even third, decade of making music, while the other half are hit singles by young up-and-comers. Time has been a friend to most of the songs on here, even the terrible ones are remembered (unfortunately). But time was not nearly as kind to most of the new acts here. Of the debut artists appearing in this set of videos, only one managed to maintain any kind of substantial mainstream success as the years went on.

It’s a shame too, because all of the songs here by then-new artists are fantastic. Certainly better than the two showing by one of the kings of shit-ass AOR bullshit that make their appearances here as well.

79. Teena Marie – “Lovergirl”

A lot of the lesser hits on this list I had forgotten completely, only to be slightly angry that I was reminded of their existence (see “The Worst Is Over”), but here’s a tune that I totally forgot but am happy that memory was re-ignited, cuz this song whoops it. I love this tune so much that I’m going to order me a CD copy of Starchild so I can get the various remixes that are included as bonus tracks.

Not many songs sounded like this in 1985 and even less sound like it today. It’s a funky new-wave rock song? Sure, there’s a big Prince influence there, not only in the music but the fashion, but it has an even harder sound than most of Prince’s guitar-driven singles of the day. It opens with that rad drumming and the guitar kicks in to let you know this is a rock song first and a pop song second. Shit this video has THREE guitarists. They really want to get that point across.

Teena could shred, sing, and write songs. Too bad she never really got a second hit. She should go on tour with Sheena Easton and Shelia E. That shit would own.

 

78. The Pointer Sisters – “Neutron Dance”

WE HAVE REACHED PEAK 1985. ATTENTION. WE HAVE REACHED PEAK 1985. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. WE GOT THE POINTER SISTERS DOING A SOUNDTRACK SONG FOR AN EDDIE MURPHY MOVIE AND BRONSON PINCHOT IS IN THE VIDEO (AND THE MOVIE).

It’s hard to really convey to younger generations just how fucking insanely huge Beverly Hills Cop was. It was the number one movie in America for 13 weeks in a row. It made over $230 million. It’s still one of the highest grossing comedies and R-rated moves of all-time. My brother and I watched this movie a million times despite the fact that I was only six years old. It literally taught me how to swear. I got in trouble for calling a kid on the playground a “stupid motherfucker” in 1986. I was seven.

That was Eddie Murphy’s fault.

The movie’s insane success extended to its soundtrack as well. In addition to “Neutron Dance,” It also gave us two awesome Patti LaBelle songs, “The Heat Is On,” and the legendary theme music. We will see this soundtrack on this list again.

Fantastic video for this one. Yeah, it’s a movie clip show, but we also get some great footage of The Pointer Sisters in some of the most amazing 80s outfits. Those shoulder pads are one step away from becoming self-aware.

And while it’s easy (and fun) to write about how damn great and important Beverly Hills Cop is, let’s not forget that this song was also on a Pointer Sisters album as well, Break Out. And yo, if you like some 80s dance-pop, that might be the best album of the decade. No joke. If I ever made a top ten albums of 80s list, it would probably be number three or four, beating out Michael Jackson and even Madonna (and falling behind Prince, Frankie Goes To Hollywood and, coming out of left field, Game Theory’s Lolita Nation). That album doesn’t have a weak track. All killer, no filler. Ripe for rediscovery.

Unfortunately, this the last year the Pointer Sisters were really hip or relevant in a mainstream capacity and that still makes me sad 35 years later.

 

77. Sade – “Smooth Operator”

I used to have a 12″ promo single for this. It had a nine minute remix of this song. And let me tell you, if you think that nine minutes of “Smooth Operator” is too much “Smooth Operator,” the you are absolutely…wrong. This song is great. It’s great at four minutes. It’s great at nine minutes, and I bet it would be great at 20 minutes. Give me all the sax.

I wasn’t a fan of it at the time though. It’s is definitely a song I grew into. I guess five-year-old white boys from Ohio weren’t Sade’s target audience anyhow.

I think the dopeness of the video was lost on child me as well. This is a fantastic video. Evil dude (a symbol of all things nefarious and 80s) is in a club is up to evil shit, and Sade is working to bust the dude while singing, to his face, that he’s an evil dude. I like how the video just paints in broad strokes to give us the general impression of what a crap dude this guy is. We don’t need all the details, just give us the gist and let Sade fill in the rest.

She should do this to Trump.

Sade’s the sole new artist here who managed to stick around, even though she occasionally takes long breaks between albums. Her last release, 2010s Soldier of Love, debuted at number one and sold a million copies in the states alone. If she ever does release another album, it’ll probably do the same. She’s one of those artists who holds onto her fanbase, because no one sounds like her.

 

76. Chicago – “You’re The Inspiration”

Yo.

Fuck Chicago.

Why is Peter Cetera wearing a Bauhaus shirt?

Fuck Chicago.

 

75. Chicago – “Along Comes A Woman”

Fuck Chicago.

Yeah fine, let’s make a big budget video where you start as an Indiana Jones spoof but segue into a Casablanca homage. Why the hell not. Better than thinking of something original, am I right?

This song is 800 times better than”You’re The Inspiration.” That being said, it’s probably the fourth-worst song on this countdown (“You’re The Inspiration” is the the third, the worst is yet to come).

Quick digression, want to see a great video for an…I’ll be honest, not all that bad Chicago song. Check out the video for “Stay The Night.” There are some jaw-dropping car stunts in that one.

But still, fuck Chicago. Shoutout to MTV for putting all the Chicago on this list together so we can just get it out of the way and move on with our lives.

 

74. Foreigner – “That Was Yesterday”

Foreigner is overdue for a critical re-evaluation. They were one of the best mainstream hard rock acts of the late 70s. “Feels Like The First Time,” “Cold as Ice,” “Hot Blooded,” “Double Vision,” “Jukebox Hero” (personal favorite), they’re all still mainstays of classic rock radio. Their 1981 album 4 is really, really good. And their 1982 greatest hits compilation Records doesn’t have a weak track on it.

Agent Provocateur, the 1984 follow-up…well, that isn’t as good. Good cover (that makes for a good t-shirt) but not a good record. And while it was popular at the time, it only netted the group two hit singles. The first we’ll see later, this was the follow-up. Probably another example of a band getting a minor hit based on the blockbuster success of their previous one, “That Was Yesterday” is the definition of forgettable mid-80s arena rock. It tries to spit the difference between their power ballad hits and their more hard rocking material, and comes off sounding like neither. The most memorable thing about it to me is Lou Gramm in the video and his dead, dead eyes. Never has a frontman been less dynamic. He’s the anti-David Lee Roth. With worse hair. 

 

73. Harold Faltermeyer – “Axel F”

The second of four tracks from the Beverly Hills Cop soundtrack to make the top 100, meaning it has more songs on the list than any other album. The 80s were the golden age of the rock/pop soundtrack, and the golden age for synthesizer-fueled scores, and Beverly Hills Cop had both.

While the charts used to be lousy with excerpts of scores as pop hits, the “score excerpt” as a hit single had been a rarity since the 1970s. Instrumentals had also fallen well out of favor at this point as well. The fact that this track was able to be as huge as it was (and it was huge) is not only to its strengths as a pop number, but to the previously mentioned immense popularity of Beverly Hills Cop.

But fuck Crazy Frog.

 

72. ’til tuesday – “Voices Carry”

This isn’t the best song on this list, but it’s, without question, the best damn video. The dude in this video is such a scumfuck dickweed 80s boomer creep. He’s the gold standard. Patrick Bateman from American Psycho ain’t got shit on this dude, and he was a psychotic serial killer. He makes the creepy adulterous leeches in “Part Time Lover” look like heroes. He makes the criminal in “Smooth Operator” look like Mother Theresa. This dude is an evil butt.

I wonder what happened to this couple after the events in the video unfolded. She left him, duh, but did she walk out of the theater? Did news of her outburst reach high society as a whole? Was that dude’s life ruined? Was he unable to go to cocktail parties without people whispering “oh look it’s that guy whose rat-tailed girlfriend started shouting in the middle of the theater, who invited him?”

Or did he end up in Trump’s cabinet? Both seem likely.

 

71. Aretha Franklin – “Freeway Of Love”

This might be my favorite song on the countdown. It’s just such a fun, upbeat track. You’ll certainly be hard pressed to find a song with more talent behind in than this one. In addition to Aretha on vocals, this track notably has Clarence Clemons on sax, looking cool as he always did in the great video. Behind the scenes, there were even more big guns. Randy Jackson’s here on bass, and Santana’s rhythm section works on percussion. And Aretha’s backing vocals are just ON POINT. Jeanie Tracy (she’s awesome, Google her), Sylvester and motherfucking Martha goddamn Walsh. Put all four of them in a room together and they could tear it down.

That bright, overbearing sound of the 80s is present here, of course, but it fits the song perfectly. That sound always worked best when it was being used to pummel you with happiness. And this song is a flurry of feel-good punches. It’s been my go-to good times track for the better part of my life and I don’t see that changing anytime soon.

The song is so good that the video even makes ’80s Detroit look alright. That’s just magic.

 

70. The Hooters – “And We Danced”

This comes in as a close second for my favorite song on the countdown. And for the same reason, it’s unfathomably happy. The Hooters didn’t really have any staying power, I think they only scored two hits; this one is the only one that people really remember today.

But what a hit. What a song. Just a fantastic ode to feeling fantastic. Happy times. The “bright” 80s synth sound again comes to bat and delivers thanks to a mood that fits it 100%. Any other sound would beguile the song’s meaning. That bright sound is the sound of unironic, ignorant, unabashed happiness. And that’s what this song is. This is power pop on a biblical scale. Artists with dozens of hits behind them don’t have to chops to make something this pure and wonderful.

And the video is a great piece of idealized nostalgia for the 50s and 60s. And now I have idealized nostalgia for that idealized nostalgia. It’s a nesting doll of nostalgia. As the world descends into a garbage that I feel we’ll never be able to escape from, sometimes I just play this video on repeat, close my eyes, and hope that I could be transported to its quaint reality. A place where drive-in still rule, multiracial groups of teens hang out, sassy big girls mack on dorks, and the worst fear one could have is to be momentarily teased by a harmless motorcycle gang.

And a melodica solo!