MTV’s Top 100 of 1985, a look back (Part 4)

As bad as the last set of videos was for new-and-upcoming acts, this section is even worse. Over half of the 10 videos here are from artists who first established themselves in the 1970s or 1960s. There are only two new artists in this section, and neither ever scored another hit.

But even some of the more “classic” acts don’t fair all that well here, with some terrible tracks that signaled the beginning of the end of their careers. There’s more than one (bad) swan song here. With so many prominent artists of decades past churning out some of the crap you see in this section, it’s no wonder that hair metal would begin to take over the charts in just a few months. It was time for a change.

Our number 69 (nice) artist certainly knew that.

69. Heart – “What About Love”

If you were an act from the 60s or 70s whose luster had faded a bit and you were attempting a comeback in the 80s, you had two options.

1. Lean hard on nostalgia and hope for the best.
2. Buy some synthesizers, some hair spray, and SELL OUT HARD.

Thankfully, Heart chose the second option and delivered some of the best singles of their career on their 1984 self-titled comeback album. That’s the record that gave us this song, “Never,” and “These Dreams.” The follow-up album gave us “Alone,” my vote for Heart’s best song after “Barracuda” and one of the best power ballads of the 80s.

Selling out isn’t always bad. Sometimes a massive makeover and change of sound can be just what a band needs to stay invigorated and motivated. And yeah, Heart’s makeover in the 80s was painfully obvious, but it still worked. It’s also worth mentioning that you don’t see many hair metal bands on this countdown. I think Heart is the only one, so while they were obviously changing their image to fit into a new style, they got in early and managed to be one of the first to take the glam/hair style of the 80s and find real mainstream success with it.

Also great, how the video ends with Ann Wilson just reading Gone With The Wind for no damn reason and looking sad.

 

68. Murray Head – “One Night In Bangkok”

Is this the last song from a Broadway musical to make its way onto the pop charts until “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina”?

What the fuck is Chess even about? I’m writing this paragraph before I go to Wikipedia to find out, I’m going to guess right now. Let’s see, mid-80s, chess, sounds like a metaphor for a battle…or a war. This is about the cold war and/or proxy wars isn’t it? Okay I’m going to check.

Goddamn I’m smart. Although I didn’t know that this was an album first and a musical second, Jesus Christ Superstar style, but I did know it was written by the Abba dudes and Tim Rice.

This song is all chorus. The verses are garbage, who cares about them? No one, that’s who. This is the first Flo Rida song, the verses matter so little. Murray Head sounds like a nasally version of Taco or something, he’s horrible. But that chorus, it sticks with you. Probably because it not only sounds great but it also makes no damn sense. The most important aspect of all great 80s songs.

And this video, oh boy. It’s like “Orientalism: The Movie.” Although that dance number on the chess board at the end is pretty great. Did the musical do that? Dammit I hope that’s all the musical was. Two hours of chess-based dance.

 

67. Ready For The World – “Oh Sheila”

 

Ready For The World were from Flint, Michigan, so God only knows why the singer opted for that terrible faux-British accent. I always think that he’s saying “Oh sailor!” at the beginning of the song, which really gives it a different vibe that, at the absolute least, would’ve made the song more interesting.

Boring Prince rip-off with a terribly boring video. Both so boring that they’re hard to talk about in any positive or negative fashion. Meh personified.

Ready For The World wasn’t ready for the world and never would be. This is their only real hit.

 

66. The Cars – “Tonight She Comes”

The Cars’ last hit single and one of their worst. They were always best when they were a little ironic, a little biting, or a little strange. This is none of those things. This is four minutes of them using “come” as a lazy double entendre, broken up by a solid guitar solo. Even the video lacks the energy or innovation of their earlier, groundbreaking work. Ric Ocasek vamps it up like the dude from Simple Minds while various sexy ladies are flashed on the screen, it’s like they pulled this video out of a pile of generic templates. It’s no “Just What I Needed” that’s for sure. Give me more of early-CG Ric stalking a model in her bathtub please.

I’ve always had the feeling that “Drive” killed The Cars. It was so unlike the rest of their hits, a polished, radio-friendly love ballad instead of an acidic, quirky piece of power pop punk. They never could’ve followed that up, and I wish they had never tried since it gave us tired, forgettable stuff like this.

 

65. Don Henley – “The Boys Of Summer”

The Eagles breaking up was a great thing for pop music. The Eagles are a terrible band, but all of the members’ solo careers produced some classic tunes that I still love to this day. And they made an impact too. Between Don and Glenn Fry, there are four Eagles-related videos on the countdown.

Don Henley was never my favorite artist, but I think he was one of the first artists who I liked for his music and nothing else. Look at this video. It’s fine. Got an art-house cinema thing going on that’s a good look, especially for Don Henley – he should never try to look ‘hip’, but it’s not the kind of video that’s going to appeal to anyone under the age of 12. But I loved the song, even as a first grader I loved the song. It’s just a really good song.

It’s also a track that I appreciate more as I get older. Hearing a boomer lament about boomers selling out is always a bit of a joke, but Don sounds bitter enough to make it work thanks to the haunting melody and fantastic lyrics. Totally evocative of a mood. When Don Henley says “I saw a deadhead sticker on a Cadillac” you know exactly what he means, and why it stings so much. It’s the Boomer equivalent of “I saw a RATM t-shirt at Trump rally.”

 

64. DeBarge – “Rhythm Of The Night”

This was Diane Warren’s first smash hit single, which is really surprising to me because it doesn’t sound like most Diane Warren songs. What I mean is, it isn’t a heaping piece of hot trash covered in dogshit. It’s not an easy listening nightmare that sounds like it was birthed by an AI that was fed nothing but Banny Manilow b-sides and quaaludes.

It’s a good song.

Man, I love this song. It’s the good 80s stupid. Put this on back-to-back with “Get Out Of My Dreams (Get Into My Car)” and I’m gonna boogie. This gets the award for the funnest, most good times song in this section of the countdown. Congratulations DeBarge, your award is even more jerry curl juice.

The DeBarge brothers fractured after this song, which is why they never really had another hit. The group did soldier on for a bit though, releasing an independent album in 1987. In researching this article I learned that they were on an episode of Punky Brewster. So they had that going for them. Which is nice.

 

63. Billy Ocean – “Loverboy”

The Billy Ocean hit no one remembers. It’s not the fantastic “When The Going Get Tough The Tough Get Going,” it’s not the utterly transcendent “Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car,” and it’s not even “Caribbean Queen.” It’s really hard to compete with those classics, but taken on its own, “Loverboy” is a good tune. Great weird synth-noise breakdown in the middle, fantastic guitar, good mix of R&B, funk, pop, and rock. It’s B-grade wannabe Prince a bit, that’s for sure, but it’s better than the C-grade wannabe Prince that Ready For The World gave us a bit earlier in the countdown. In fact, calling it B-grade wannabe Prince isn’t fair. This is solid A minus grade wannabe Prince. Good on you, Billy Ocean.

Oh man, and this video. Someone saw Star Wars. Possibly while high. I love this shit. When you shoot for the Star Wars and end up with Ice Pirates.

 

62. Roger Daltry – “After The Fire”

More After The Fire (the band). Less “After The Fire” (the song).

This song is just excruciating. A dribbling dirge of a tune. Daltry is a great singer (duh) but what is with his delivery here? “After the FiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiRE” he sounds like he realized that he crapped his pants halfway through the lyric.

Did Daltry have any good songs as a solo artist? How the hell did he manage to force this one upon the public? Did he bribe someone? Is this Live Aid’s fault? Did Live Aid do this?

This is not the worst song on this list, but I’d rather hear some of those worse songs before I hear this again. Yeah, Chicago sucks, but at least they can trigger an emotion in me. That emotion may be an undying rage that can suffocate the sun, but it’s an emotion. This is the vacuum of space as music.

 

61. Rush – “The Big Money”

Ah yes, the other music video with early CGI by a band from the 1970s that came out in 1985.

Holy shit I did not know that Rush had any MTV hits, it’s impressive that they did. Let’s be real – love them, hate them, Rush are not a photogenic band. Geddy Lee looks like a scarecrow that was left out in the field too long. Neil Peart’s pony tail could be used as a noose it’s so out of control. Alex is going with a haircut that could only be described a lazy mullet. It’s a party in the back, but it couldn’t be bothered to do anything with the front, so there’s no business there. The business part of his mullet has filed for unemployment.

There’s just so much to take in here. Rush trying to be commercial, in a song called “The Big Money” is hilarious on a lot of levels. This video must’ve cost quite a bit. They’re playing on a GIANT LIGHT UP MONOPOLY BOARD. The CG no doubt took 80 hours to render on a computer the size of Delaware. Kudos to them, it worked pretty well. Well enough for them to get on this countdown at least. But not well enough for anyone to remember this song a year later, that’s for sure.

“The Big Money” is the best song on Power Windows. And “The Big Money” is a bad song (Power Windows sucks FYI). This was the beginning of Rush’s downturn that would continue until the release of “Roll The Bones” a song that I hate even more than “The Big Money” but other people seem to like it, so I guess they got me there.

 

60. Pete Townshend – “Face The Face”

Two members from The Who took a big old dump on the Top 100. But Pete should should be saddled with more of the blame than Daltry, as Pete wrote both this and that Roger Daltry disaster “After The Fire.”

What is even going on here? What vibe is Pete going for? I feel like he’s shooting for a bit of a big band sound, he has a full horn section here, and an upright bass. But it’s just so goddamn goofy. And not in a fun Billy Ocean way.

It sounds like the video was recorded live, which is cool and at least he tried something different, but the live sound doesn’t do this song any favors. There’s so much going on at once that it’s just overpowering. A horn section, back-up singers, a harmonica, the worst sounds on the DX-7 presets, it doesn’t work. One thing this list has taught me is that the overbearing, loud, oppressive sound of the 80s only really works if the song behind it is fantastic. This song is far from fantastic.

And that suit. Jesus, Pete, what were you thinking?

This was Pete’s last charting single in the states. I’d like to think it’s because we never forgave him for it.